I Said, She Said

I said: "If I am prone to any consistent error of judgment it is the error of over estimating my ability to pull something off."

She said: "I don't think so."

I reply: "There seems to hover around the edges of my life this sense of promise not realized. This has been there for a along time, going way back. I can’t blame my parents for this – they were very supportive. They may have been overly supportive; I certainly did not get much guidance from them. I’ve tended to make good first impressions in my life, only to disappoint later. I convey a sense that there are deep waters flowing, and people discover there is less to me than first suspected. I know I disappoint myself. I think that I did not get an education in keeping with my ability, and am much more ignorant than my apparent native intelligence suggests (emphasis on "apparent"). But back to the point. There are some who think I don’t do enough, am not adventuresome enough, don’t try enough things. To them, my error is in settling, in underestimating my ability. But I think their suspicions underscore the point I was making. Whether it be lack of discipline, lack of organization, lack of education, lack of energy, or presence of headaches, I really do tend to over commit, to promise more than I can fulfill. I've done this so many times I am wise enough to it at this point.

Often life seems a matter of finding that realistic balance between all the varying duties and responsibilities and interests – and somehow allowing enough margin in life to not be always on the run, and finding a day to day pattern that maximizes the potential that is there, whatever that may be. It's hard to do a good job in every area of life all the time. I used to express the rather cynical view that life was a matter of choosing who would be mad at you at any given point. But I'd rather look at the problem as one of wisdom and balance now.

Speaking of, I think that there is much wisdom in the age old Jewish notion of Sabbath. Sabbath suggests a rhythm of life that we’re made as creatures to follow. Add to that the natural rhythms of night and day, of wake and sleep, and work and rest, and we have patterns emerge with which we can live in sync - or not. That is what I seek for myself, a consistent pattern of daily and weekly life that allows for both productivity and reflection. I’m not there yet, but getting closer I hope.