Finding My Way Through the Fog

It's been three months since I laid up my Pastor cleats, and though I have been blessed with some useful work in this period, well, things haven't been quite coming together. I have never been "unemployed" and it is a new experience for sure, one I don't particularly like. But all of a sudden I have a new kind of empathy for many others I never could have had before. I count that as no small blessing.

When I add up all the various things I am competent to do it would seem that there is a big job out there that would be a good fit, but it's hard to know how to present myself in a way that would make me seem like a good candidate over people with more specific experience.

I have been more discouraged of late generally, with this vague sense of being aimless, pointless, washed up, over the hill, etc. But the cloud seems to be lifting a little lately. I think this has a lot to do with regaining my spiritual legs. I've been jaded, though not because of soem terrible experience. As I have said to pretty much everyone, I had the best pastoral situation that I really could have ever asked for. Whether being a solo pastor was the best thing for me and my family I am not sure (I think not), but I could not have asked for a better solo pastor situation. I will always be grateful for the 16 years I had with Covenant Fellowship.

Still, no matter how good the situation I left burned out and jaded. I think I was just worn out. It's taken a while to regain my focus as a Christian. For a long time I didn't even want to pray or read my Bible or hear a sermon. I prefered the woods or a quiet walk. I sense recently that the ice is melting. I cannot say enough how much Pope Benedict's writings have helped me. He has put Jesus again at front and center of my thought and imagination, and I will always have a spirit of gratitude toward him and his church, dyed in the wool Protestant as I may be.

Every day and every week I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself, sort of imagining a "Career III" that I am supposed to discover or stumble into. There has been a growing anxiety associated with this effort. It seems like a mountain that I can't climb. But a peace has come over me very recently. I think at the core is spiritual renewal, though I am not sure.

I know that I can do four things - garden, teach, pastor, and write. So why not do them? Why not build upon what I've done and can do?

I don't wish to have a frenetic traditional "landscaping" business, but I do love dirt, roots, leaves, color, aroma, compost, garden wildlife, and just maybe there is work out there doing that. I don't see myself pastoring a church again, but there are a lot of other things pastors can do, all manner of spiritual care and service needed, particularly with people churches have a harder time reaching. And even though my life isn't totally together I still am thinking and growing and discovering new things about God and his word, and why should I put a lid on the years of trainign and experience He provided for me. Besides, He made me a teacher - it's what I do and who I am, and I can't help but want to share with others whatever I am graced to understand or know. I find great joy helping people "see" what they didn't before, whether it is fractions, inertia, the Trinity, the workings of a cell, the structure of a sentence, whatever. And I can't help but write. It is who I am. And of course there is taking pictures, which I consider just a way of sharing with love what I see, no more no less.

I have no idea if "Career III" even exists. I am 52 years old, and maybe, just maybe I am meant just to do the things I am experienced and good at (and of course get better at them), and let my life play out as it will. I am who I am. I do what I do.

I have made strategic mistakes in my life, and if I could do it all over again I would make some different decisions - you know, with 20/20 hindsight. At the same time I trust in the goodness of God, and in His providential mercies toward me. I believe and think that things I have done (and not done) - whether or not some of them were the wisest thing that could have been decided at the time - I believe that they "add up" to something God has been preparing for me, or me for. I have always sought in counseling others to try to help them see the ways the experience and circumstances add up and flow into other things - so often people just bounce around all over the place. I think I need to heed my own counsel.

I am deeply grateful for my friends, new and old, for being patient with me in this time, and offering encouragement and counsel.

So, I press on. I am available. Call me.

Joel

Career Builder Test

I took a test over at careerbuilder.com and these were my high score areas:  

   

Writing - 93  

Teaching- Social Service 88  

Outdoors 86    

Science - 82  

Sales - 71  

Administration - 69  

 

Their blurb:

Your highest score was on Writing, which means that you enjoy creative or technical writing. You are also likely to be interested in a broad range subjects, so finding occupations that allow you to exercise these interests would lead to higher work satisfaction for you. You also scored highly on Teaching / Social Service, indicating that you enjoy instructing people in learning new things, helping people solve problems, and assisting others. Your high score on the Outdoors scale means that you like working outdoors, particularly in agriculture with animals and/or plants. This may include professions involving potentially dangerous situations.

Myers Briggs Personality Test

So, I took the Meyer's Briggs test (again) and it tells me I am INFJ - Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging. Hmmm. Doesn't sound like but it said the results were intenrally consistent. I think i'll take it again when all the spam is out of my  system. 

This is what a Mr. Joe Butt has to say about INFJ's at http://typelogic.com/infj.html.  

I wonder, does this ring true to anyone who knows me?

"Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche."

Countdown to June 1

Well, since my "All the Rest Have 31" post a couple of weeks ago a lot of you have written to me to share ideas and express concern, and I appreciate it very much. This is a new adventure for me. Indeed, I've had a few new life adventures this year and am certainly learning a lot from each one. Facing the specter of unemployment for the first time in my life helps me appreciate what many folks I know and have known have been through and are going through. I have been sympathetic along the way of course, but not truly empathetic. That has changed. This is a big transition in difficult times.

Some days I feel anxious, but so far most days I feel hopeful and encouraged. Thankfully the church where I have been pastoring for 16 years (Covenant Fellowship - if you don't have a church home you should check it out) is going to help in our transition to whatever is next, so it's not like we starve starting in June - just so you'll know.

So I wanted to try to type out a summary of where I am in this job/vocational search. A few things are coming into focus.

I am finding that it's hard to know how to balance short and long term financial needs, the lower paying present opportunities (which offer no chance of ever paying even the well-trimmed bills) with the higher paying potential opportunities that take more time to find (and offer hope of providing for our needs). It seems best to let the longer term employment search process go out a couple of months before I tie up most of my time with a job that would hinder it. I've asked different people about this issue and have gotten widely different answers. It seems the consensus is to give the longer term a shot first. I will need wisdom.

Though it looks like there might not be a solid existing job prospect out there for a person with my background, especially given the economy, I will keep my eyes and mind open as I talk to people and check notices as to existing jobs. One never knows. I have been a generalist pastor for 20 years, a teacher for five, and have run a couple of businesses, all of which gives me breadth of experience, and a lot of practice in communicating (speaking and writing) and in working with people. So, who knows, something may happen. Call me.

I also will keep exploring teaching jobs in NC. I qualify for "lateral entry" here in Guilford County so at least there is that. Unfortunately, there exist hiring freezes all over the place.

I do have a couple of ideas as to longer term employment, but they each require some retooling in terms of education and fundamental knowledge and skills. Even in my areas of interest and having some experience I am still a little out of date.

I have been - both in pastoral ministry and in life in general - a bit of a generalist. I think I could bring a lot to a small business or an organization but it doesn't perhaps look that way on paper. Rather than bemoan that and get discouraged I think I need to use my age and life experience to my advantage. I get the feeling that whatever is out there for me will take require this generalist experience and tendency, especially my experience communicating and with working with people.

Not sure where else to turn I am looking in the direction of areas that have interested me for some time.

First I have interest in a kind of uber-green horticulture/landscape design business that would focus on things like water conservation and runoff, the use of native plants, reduction of equipment emissions, pesticide and herbicide avoidance, use of organic materials, designing and planting with wildlife in mind, possibly more in a restoration/design/maintenance sense but possibly also in a new construction and community planning sense as well, the latter given my interest in land restoration and habitat reclamation. Second, I am still drawn toward working for a non profit environmental organization, perhaps a land trust or a group like the Nature Conservancy whose mission I am particularly drawn to. In both of these areas I do think need more experience, skill, and knowledge upgrade. This could mean formal schooling or a mix of less formal schooling (certificate programs), volunteer work, and just studying up. I am considering each option.

I am already set up with a growing readership/viewership of my online work, plus I am equipped to make some money offering a few services as I have outlined before. I think I need to take advantage of the exposure that I already have by focusing a decent amount of time contributing content in areas consistent with those two areas of interest. These areas weave together very well by the way. In doing this writing combined with training and volunteering, I can interact with and get to know some of the leaders in the interest areas I have cited.

I continue to draw a fair amount of interest in music, art, photography, stories, and general Christian takes on various issues, etc. I think I should take advantage of that as well, partly because it is a good thing to do, and partly to stay connected to other people.

This week is lining up well. I signed up yesterday for an intensive non profit management certificate program at Duke in June. I am also in conversation with a leader in Nature Conservancy to get her take on what sorts of things I should do to be more marketable at an organization like that. I met yesterday with a friend who wants me to think about helping in a prospective business that would take advantage of my experience in analysis and writing, I am meeting with a writing coach, a local doctor friend who is very active in leadership in the community, am applying for a spot in a local leadership training group, and meeting several other folks for general networking.

It's a process. Prayers, ideas and leads are welcome.

Well, all for now.

Joel

Ch-ch-ch-ch Changes

To all my peeps,

A couple of friends and folks in the know have written me publicly to see how I am doing and such, and so as to be open and up front I figured I would just give the basic skinny.

Our church (Covenant Fellowship ARP Church, Greensboro, NC) was very kind last month to grant me a 90 day medical leave to "get better" physically (and emotionally too perhaps). For 2-3 years I had had a kind of gradual cascading series of minor health issues that were adding up to larger health issues and which needed to be addressed, and which as a result had left me for some time generally less energetic and effective than I had been. This included some newer weird stuff that impacted me pretty significantly. After consulting with various folks and our elders, I (and we) decided that it would be best for me (and for Covenant Fellowship) after the medical leave not return to the rigors of full time pastoral ministry at this time, due to reasons/issues related to health, burn out, and family. I've been at CF 16 years (having founded it with Dwight and Susan Thomas), so it's going to be an adjustment for me and everyone. Thankfully I will continue to worship with my brethren there until other things possibly begin to take me away. I and we pray that CF will prosper and that God will direct me to the next thing, whatever that is. I'm looking forward to the opportunities ahead. 

This was all discussed in a sweet spirited congregational meeting this past Sunday. 

I am not 100% sure what I will do next. I will remain a "Reverend" and "Presbyter" in good standing and hope to pick up some "Supply" preaching this summer, expand the work of the Carolina Study Center-Greensboro (and my writing generally), try to find ways to "market" my photography, perhaps take on some work digitizing LP's, cassettes, and VHS tapes (and Beta), scanning slides, film, and restoring old photos, etc), tutor, and start networking for other possible work, maybe teaching again, not sure.

In the mean time I am trying to get fit again since that is the thing that would help the most - and a good friend bought me a three month membership in the City Health Club on Elm Street. I have been working out there,walking, and riding my bike. I hope to hit some serious trails in the next two months too. Uphill trails.

Anyway, that's my life!

Craving Liver

Ahhh, it's nice to be fiddling in Blogger again. I've been away a while. In fact, I've been pretty much down and out for a few weeks and just did my first decent walk - wow, spring has sprung in Greensboro! I saw four or five species of butterflies in my little 1.4 mile slow walk. One goal for this year is to learn my butterflies.

But for now all I can think about is liver.

Two weeks ago this coming Friday I awoke with a horrific migraine. Actually, I had had a spate of them that week. I didn't know why then. Now I do.

Anyway that Friday along with the normal bells and whistles that go with migraine I developed very bad vertigo - a whole new migraine symptom for me, or so I thought. I had to crawl around the house for two days - could not stand up. I felt off the chart terrible. Seems I was also dehydrated which kind of goes with migraine territory - more fluid leaving than coming in. I felt better as I hydrated and thought the dizziness was just due to that.

But it hung around, the dizziness, the malaise, so I finally went to see the doctor, my cardiologist, since I was most concerned about low BP and this awful loud "swooshing" sound in my head every time my heart beat. It was good check up, but he said I looked pale, and almost as an afterthought suggested I go to the lab and have some blood drawn to check for anemia.

The next morning they called to tell me my hemoglobin was 8.6, and would I go see a GI specialist that afternoon. So I went. They took more blood which then identified the problem as iron deficiency anemia, and recommended an endoscopy and colonoscopy. I was lying down or sleeping most of last week I was so fatigued and dizzy.

I had the colonoscopy and endoscopy this Tuesday. Getting ready for those tests is loads of fun. The main purpose of doing this was to rule out a BIG BAD cause and possibly detect one less dramatic one.

As far as the colososcopy, things down there are as clear as could be. Not a hint of a red mark, polyp, anything. I was supposed to be "out of it" but was totally lucid and enjoyed the tour of my bowels. I am a geek that way. So for now, colon cancer is out of the picture. As far as the endoscopy, there were two small ulcers in my stomach. They are small and were not bleeding at the time of the endoscopy. The doctor took a sample for biopsy to try to identify the cause. Usually there is a bacteria involved that can be treated once identified.

The doctor also took a small amount of tissue from the lining of the duodenum (uppermost part of the small intestine) in order to do a test to see if the cilia there are absorbing iron.

Oh, the really fun part was the audio - the colonoscopy after-effects. They have to push air in to inflate the bowel in order to see it clearly, and then, well, that air has to come out. So the nurse ordered me, ordered me mind you, to lie there and fart. She said the "f" word. I am still in shock.

Unfortunately my bowel didn't totally cooperate and decided to get rid of the air once I got home. That was kind of fun actually. It was better than those fart web sites!

So for now the plan is to try to get my iron levels up using iron supplements and some dietary additions. I have a physical in five weeks and that should give the docs a chance to know if the supplements and dietary additions are helping. It is kind of a slow process. Also, once the culprit is identified in the stomach there will be specific treatment for that too.

I got the sense the GI doctor remains worried about my having lost 40 pounds over the last 10 months, but I have radically changed my diet to eliminate simple starches and sugars, have been eating less generally, and exercising a whole lot more.

If none of that works then the next thing to do is test the bone marrow. We’ll hope and pray for the best. Right now all I can think about is liver.